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Lois Griffin: Where's Brian? Breakfast is getting cold.
Announcer: In tonight's episode the part of Brian the Dog will be played by Carter Banks. (Carter banks comes out in a dog suit)
Carter Banks: Here I am. Sorry I...
Lois Griffin: (Whispering) Camera Two.
Carter Banks: Sorry, I overslept.
Stewie Griffin: Yes. Do you want breakfast? Or would you rather chew on your own ass as usual? (Pauses, then clears throat) I'm sure you have something to say to that.
Carter Banks: Oh, God. Sorry. Can you give me the line again? Not the whole line. Just the end.
Stewie Griffin: Let's cut! You're sleeping with which producer? God! As soon as my movie deal kicks in, I am such a ghost!
Theme Song
Lois Griffin: You can take off your blindfold now. We're almost there.
Peter Griffin: Not yet. I don't want to ruin my birthday surprise. Lois Griffin Then at least let me drive! Peter Griffin Lois, you know it's illegal for women to drive.
[Cat screeches]
Peter Griffin A woman driving. That's adorable. Lois Griffin Peter, I don't think- Peter, please! I'm begging you! Stop the car! We're here! Thank God. Peter Griffin Bob's Funland and Putt Putt Golf? The grownup in me likes the prospect of fun. But the kid in me is suicidal over what a fat bastard I'll become! All Happy birthday! Peter Griffin I can't believe it! Quagmire, Cleveland, Joe! Who are you? Angry Guy I'm the guy whose car you just slammed into! Peter Griffin Lois, you invited everyone!
[Screams from roller coaster]
Peter Griffin Excuse me. Excuse me. My friend is differently abled. May he go ahead of you? Woman Of course. Peter Griffin Frontsies, backsies, backsies, backsies. Quagmire Well, hello. You must be this beautiful to ride the Quagmire. Bonnie Swanson Careful, Joe! Joe Swanson Kiss off! Yeah! Bonnie Swanson Your father. Sometimes I don't think he'll be happy until he's completely paralyzed. Stewie Griffin How deliciously evil looking! It's like something out of Stephen King! Stephen King Okay. For my 307th book...this couple is attacked by a...lamp monster! Executive You're not even trying anymore, are you? When can I have it? Carnival Attendant A lot. Stewie Griffin A 10-gauge. I've never handled one of these before. Stewie Griffin Ah! Yes! [Singing] "This is my rifle, this is my gun This is for fighting, this is for fun" Cleveland Oh, dang. Now I hate windmills even more. Peter Griffin Let me give you a little tip, pallie. The shortest distance between two points is the full-body English, high-arcing rainbow shot.
[Glass shattering]
Bull I know what you're thinking.
[Window breaking]
Bob Funland Sir, I'm gonna have to ask your party to leave. You've caused nothing but trouble since you got here! Perhaps we should just continue the party at some other type of location. Peter Griffin No. Wait. I know this guy. We went to high school together. Bob Funland We did? Peter Griffin He was a loser then, and he's a loser now. We used to kid this guy all the time. All Bob misses his mommy! Bob misses his mommy! Peter Griffin We're not going just because some pissant tells us to. I demand to see the owner! Bob Funland That's me. I'm Bob Funland. Peter Griffin You own this whole place? Bob Funland That's right! This place is my legacy! So what have you done with your life, you jerk? Peter Griffin I'm Neptune, God Of The Sea! I sink ships and conjure up storms! Neptune No, you're not. I am. And you know nothing of my work.
[Crickets chirping]
Peter Griffin Look at this, Lois. See? Right here. I was voted Most Likely To Succeed. Lois Griffin Peter, that's not you. That's not even a yearbook. That's a People magazine. Peter Griffin I wondered why they had the wrong picture and name. Lois Griffin Can't we just enjoy the rest of your birthday? Look. It says, "Happy Birthday, Daddy. Love, Stewie." Stewie Griffin Let me see that! Did you forge my name? Is that backward "S" supposed to be cute? I'm going to crap double for you tonight! Peter Griffin Face it, Lois. I'm a nobody. Why can't I be famous like Bob? Or my cousin, Kathy Griffin? Kathy Griffin Okay. Then I got on Suddenly Susan. And that was really cool. And I still do standup. And people laugh and give me money. Isn't this great catching up? Anyway, I was in college... Lois Griffin She's still talking. Peter Griffin I don't get it. I poured it in her drink. Kathy Griffin His name was Steve Rock. It was cool. He was my first black man. Peter Griffin Oh, boy. Kathy Griffin But I went everywhere! Chris Griffin Don't be depressed, Dad. Here. I made you a present. Brian Griffin My God! It's good. Really good. Chris Griffin It's partly an expression of my teenage angst. But mostly it's a moo cow! Lois Griffin It's lovely, Chris. Go ahead, Peter. Make a wish. Peter Griffin I'd sell my soul to be famous! Devil I got a live one! Peter Griffin. Minion Sorry, Chief. Seems he already sold his soul in 1976 for Bee Gees tickets. And again in 1981 for half a Mallomar. Devil Aw, heck! Where's a lawyer when I need one? Chris Griffin Don't forget this! Maybe you could hang it in your office. Peter Griffin Son, I'll put it someplace where everyone can see it. Antonio Monatti Excuse me. I'll give you $1,000 for what you have in the back there. Peter Griffin $1,000 for a bumper sticker? Antonio Monatti No, no. I mean that painting. I must have it for my gallery in Soho. I'll give you $5,000. What do you say? Peter Griffin I say... Peter Griffin ...I love you, you freakin' son of mine! I got $5,000 for that painting you made me! Chris Griffin But I painted that just for you. Peter Griffin Don't feel bad, Chris. I didn't even want it. Now we all get a trip to New York because Mr. Monatti thinks you could be a famous artist. Brian Griffin Monatti? Antonio Monatti? Lois Griffin You've heard of this man? Brian Griffin He's only the biggest art dealer in New York. I met him when I was hanging out with Andy Warhol in the '70s.
[1970s art rock instrumental music]
Lois Griffin Peter, we are not going to New York! Peter Griffin Lois, our son has been blessed with a great gift. And I'm gonna do everything I can to nurture that talent and help him succeed. Because that's good parenting. Right, Bing Crosby? Bing Crosby That's right. And if your kids give you any lip you can beat them with a sack of Valencia oranges. It won't leave a bruise and they'll let 'em know who's boss. There's no doubt about it. Peter Griffin But that doesn't sound right. Bing Crosby Are you giving me lip, boy? Because I'll take this belt off and put the smack-down on you! Is that what you want? How's that? Peter Griffin Knock it off! Get away from me, you dead crooner!
[Theme from NYPD Blue]
David Leisure Hi. This is David Leisure. You probably remember me as the neighbor from TV's Empty Nest. No? How about those car commercials when I played Joe Isuzu? The guy who lied? Come on! Those were popular! They ran all the time! All right, look, just buckle up. Can I get my check now? Lois Griffin Oh, kids. Look at that man over there! Grabbing his crotch! So alive, this city!
[Cheery instrumental music]
Lois Griffin Central Park! Meg Griffin There's the Empire State Building! Chris Griffin There's a hot dog cart! Lois Griffin Chris, don't spoil your appetite. Lois Griffin New York has some of the best restaurants in the world. They even have Indian food here. Not the... kind, but the... kind. Hotel Employee Welcome to the Big Apple, fella. Stewie Griffin Make sure there's a Wall Street Journal next to the changing table. And send a masseuse up. Legitimate! Peter Griffin Hey, waiter. The name's Peter Griffin. My son will be the best thing to happen to New York since Mayor Giuliani had all the homeless people killed. Chris Griffin And all I gotta do is paint! Peter Griffin Hey, you guys have any bellhops that are rats like the Muppets? Meg Griffin Mom, can we go see a Broadway play tonight? Brian Griffin Count me out. I'll never go to the theater with Peter again. Actress "Remember when you were younger, Uncle Vanya used to spend whole nights translating books for you? Uncle Vanya and I worked without rest, afraid to spend a kopeck on ourselves." Peter Griffin What the hell is this? For crying out loud! Somebody throw a pie! Peter Griffin Screw the theater. Mr. Monatti invited us to a party so Chris can meet a bunch of artists. It's at the Museum of Modern Art. I hope that's not some kind of museum!
[Jazz music playing in museum]
Brian Griffin Mapplethorpe? I thought he just did photography. Art Enthusiast No. Early on, he did caricatures. Robert Mapplethorpe Okay, Tim. Who's your favorite sports star? Boy Reggie Jackson. Robert Mapplethorpe I'm gonna draw him pooping on your chest. What number is he? Antonio Monatti Welcome. Chris, there are a number of artists here I would like you to meet. Peter Griffin Let's talk turkey, Monatti. Look, we've been here all day. Chris isn't a famous artist yet! Brian Griffin Creating art takes a lot of training and technique. All the great artists I knew took classes. Peter Griffin Even Walt Disney? Minnie Mouse Do I have to? Walt Disney You want to be a star, don't you? Then take it off! Yeah, that's nice. Peter Griffin Art school? We don't have time. Chris, give me your ear! Lois Griffin Peter! Antonio Monatti Mr. Griffin, please. I invited you so that Chris could make an impression on the art community. Antonio Monatti Why don't you folks do some sightseeing? If you leave Chris in my hands the name Griffin will be as well known as Kandinsky. Peter Griffin Who? Antonio Monatti Rembrandt? Peter Griffin Who? Antonio Monatti Da Vinci? Peter Griffin Who? Antonio Monatti Bazooka Joe? Peter Griffin There you go. Lois Griffin The United Nations. I wish Chris could see this. Isn't it inspiring how so many different cultures can come together? Peter Griffin And use up all the towels in the men's room! Lois Griffin Peter! Peter Griffin Sorry.
[Hand dryer blowing]
Peter Griffin Man, these things never get 'em completely dry. Lois Griffin Where's Stewie?
[Running footsteps]
Stewie Griffin Hidden missile silos behind the Great Wall! Ancient Chinese secret, huh? Chris Griffin Mr. Monatti, shouldn't I be painting now? Antonio Monatti Trust me. Painting is the least important thing about being a successful artist. You need an image. Let's take this Rhode Island lump of clay and turn it into the toast of New York. Chris Griffin I love toast! Antonio Monatti Cut it short and tint it green, the color of money. Chris Griffin And boogers. Lois Griffin I feel like we've been walking in circles. I don't know how you can find anything in this city. It's so confusing. Peter Griffin Well, I bet if Hillary Clinton becomes senator, she'll straighten it out even though she could never straighten out Bill. Lois Griffin I love when you use topical humor. It's just like watching Murphy Brown. Character1 Hey, Murphy, blah-blah-blah John Sununu. Character2 Murphy, blah-blah-blah Tipper Gore. Character3 Hey, Murph, you can't blah-blah-blah-blah the Ayatollah. Murphy Brown Blah-blah, Bishop Desmond Tutu, blah-blah. Chris Griffin Shouldn't my mom and dad be here by now? Antonio Monatti They called and said they'd rather wander through Soho Iooking for an address that doesn't exist. Chris Griffin That's my dad. Well, maybe tomorrow we could... Antonio Monatti There's Kate Moss. Chris Griffin Where? I don't see her. Are you The Matrix? Antonio Monatti Kate, this is my newest discovery, Christobel. Chris Griffin My name's Chris. Antonio Monatti Not anymore. Christobel will look better in Interview magazine. Kate Moss Nice to meet you. I love artists. Oops. A crack in the floor! Peter Griffin Hey, Lois, give me a penny. Lois Griffin You're not gonna throw it over the edge? Peter Griffin No. Yes. Antonio Monatti Christobel, I've just scheduled your first exhibit! Chris Griffin Wow! I can't wait to tell my dad. Peter Griffin Yes. I know how important your success is to your father. That's why he'll understand that you can never see him again. Chris Griffin Yeah. Of course he will. Dad's very... What? Antonio Monatti Christobel, the art world is a place of culture and breeding. Your father is... Oh, dear. How can I say this without upsetting you? Your dad is a pig! Chris Griffin [Joyful laughter] Antonio Monatti So you see? It's up to you, son.If you don't want to disappoint your dad, you must keep him away. Peter Griffin There's my boy. Hey, come on. Let's go over to Barneys and fart in the suits. Chris Griffin All right, Dad, I... I mean... I can't see you anymore. Peter Griffin What are you talking about? You're my son. Antonio Monatti Mr. Griffin, he's going to be a great artist. He now belongs to the public. Chris Griffin And apparently I'm dating Kate Moss. Don't say anything bad about her, because she might be here right now. Peter Griffin Wait a minute. You can't just push me aside. I made you! And I can destroy you! Goddamn. They must've put it in the wrong baby. Girl Bobby Williams, I'd love to go out with you. Peter Griffin I can't believe Chris. If I hadn't used his painting to patch that window he'd still be in that dump in Quahog. Lois Griffin That "dump" is our home. Peter Griffin Dump? So now you're too good for us, too? Lois Griffin This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for Chris, not you! Are you so selfish you can't see that? Peter Griffin Yes, I am. Brian Griffin Peter, your son is using his talents to pursue his dream. Peter Griffin I have no son! Except for Stewie and Meg! Peter Griffin [Singing] "I had a dream Peter Griffin "It's all about you Peter Griffin "Meg Griffin Peter Griffin "Not much you can do Peter Griffin "Meg Griffin Peter Griffin "You can't dance Peter Griffin "You can't sing Peter Griffin "No, you pretty much can't do a thing Peter Griffin "Never fear, Daddy's here Peter Griffin "Honey, you're gonna make our name famous Peter Griffin "You'll be larger than life Peter Griffin "I'll be proud you fell out of my wife Peter Griffin "You'll be known, far and wide Peter Griffin "Like that princess who died Peter Griffin "I'm gonna make you famous Peter Griffin "Wait and see Peter Griffin "Honey, I'm gonna do this for you Peter Griffin "But it's really for me" Peter Griffin Fine. If Chris doesn't need me, I don't need him. You're gonna love being famous, Meg. And this is the town to do it in. Meg Griffin I don't know, Dad. What am I gonna do? Peter Griffin Everybody's good at something. Peter Griffin It's just a matter of finding that one special hidden talent. But promise me, when you make it big, you'll let me take advantage of all the... Meg Griffin MEG: I can't think of anything. I guess I don't have any talent. Peter Griffin Come on. Think harder. There's gotta be something you can do. Meg Griffin [whistling] Peter Griffin That's amazing! Brian Griffin Thanks. I roomed with Scott Hamilton at prep school. Nothing happened. Peter Griffin No. I mean that bird just came to Meg when she whistled. Meg Griffin No, those are just my bird calls. Peter Griffin Do it again! Big Bird Yeah? Well, what did you want? You called me, right? Meg Griffin No. I wasn't calling you. Big Bird This is funny to you? Yeah? You know what a pain in the ass it is to get across town this time of day? Peter Griffin Listen, mister, we don't want any trouble here. Big Bird I don't fly, you know. I take the subway like everybody else. And people don't stare. You make me puke, bitch. Chris Griffin Mr. Monatti, I don't feel like painting. I want to see my dad. Antonio Monatti Listen, Christobel. I've sunk $5,000 turning you into a New York bohemian. All you have to do is paint. Now, get busy. I have to go oil up and start squeezing into my leather pants. Excuse me. Chris Griffin Jeez, Kate, what should I do? Kate Moss I don't know. You're the flavor of the month. Oops. Window open. Meg Griffin [Crow cawing] Bird 1 I'm going over there! Bird 2 No. Bird 1 I'm gonna go over there and punch her! Bird 2 No. Meg Griffin This is humiliating. Peter Griffin Hey, it's show business, baby. You gotta start somewhere. Meg Griffin No, I don't. I quit! Peter Griffin Now wait just a minute, young lady. Don't you walk away from me! Hey! Don't you start running! Wait, Meg! Get off that bus. Don't you go to La Guardia. Meg, listen to me. Don't you dare get on that plane. Don't you shell out $5 for headphones for Magnolia. Okay, now I'm pissed. Bird 2 Well, thank God that's over. Bird 1 Yeah. Bird 2 Hey, you want to go crap on the Statue of Liberty? I've lived here my whole life, and I've never been there! Bird 1 I've never been to the Empire State Building. Bird 2 Boy, we're a pair, aren't we? Bird 1 Unbelievable. Let's go. Lois Griffin Chris! Chris Griffin Hey, you guys made it! Lois Griffin Of course. Lois Griffin We wouldn't miss your big day. Peter Griffin Wait a second. I don't see any strippers passing out free tacos! Lois, you lied to me! Chris Griffin Is Dad mad at me? Lois Griffin He just doesn't understand. I know artists have to make sacrifices and... My God! Are you Kate Moss? Well, for someone with no breasts, you've done very well for yourself. Good for you. Antonio Monatti 1541 Michelangelo unveils the Sistine Chapel. 1886 Seurat completes La Grande Jatte. 1940 Georgia O'Keeffe paints a lot of flowers that look suspiciously like vaginas. But in the new millennium there is only Christobel. Art Enthusiast Hey, that's not art! Amateur! Chris Griffin Hey, that's my dad! Except for that one. That's my dad if he were a cat. He's the whole reason I'm here. Antonio Monatti Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for these eyesores. I guess I was wrong about you. You're no artist. You're just a no-talent punk! Peter Griffin Now hold on a second! You can talk to my daughter that way, but not my son! Now apologize! Antonio Monatti The hell I will! You owe me for all the money I invested in your worthless son! Peter Griffin All right. Well, here's a little something in return. Or container of crazy purple knockout gas? Chris Griffin Dad, I'm sorry I'm not gonna be a famous artist you can mooch off of. Meg Griffin And I'm sorry I have no talent. Peter Griffin That's okay, kids. So I don't have my name on an amusement park. And maybe I'll never be famous. But I got three wonderful children and a wife that loves me. Lois Griffin That's right. Lois Griffin I guess when it comes right down to it, you're a pretty lucky... Bum [Vomiting] Stewie Griffin My sentiments exactly! Peter Griffin Come on, Griffins. Let's go home. Calvin Klein Hey, watch where you're going! This child is beautiful! I must have him! Peter Griffin You mean like Gina Gershon beautiful, or beautiful beautiful? Brian Griffin This is heterosexual fashion designer, Calvin Klein. Calvin Klein I've been looking everywhere for a face to launch my new line of diapers. And I think I found it. Peter Griffin Well, Bob Funland may have his name on a sign but only a Griffin has this. Stewie Griffin Yeah! Stewie Griffin Workin' it. Make me want it. Baby! I'm gonna sex you up, baby! I'm going to sex you up so crazy! You're loving this, aren't you?
[Theme music]

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